It's not as clear as it used to be. Memories that I thought would stay so vibrant in my mind, are beginning to fade. When I try to reminisce and think back to that time, only vague images pop up in my mind. As soon as I begin to get a somewhat clear sight of the image; is disappears . Disappears to place that seems so far from here. These memories that I have from a very short period of my life, are a part of what has made me who I am today. I think to myself- ist i good that these these images have turned into fogged mirrors that we wipe away after a steamy shower that has cleaned the many layers of the days work and experiences. As I look in the mirror struggling to see myself and who I am, I am struck by the correlation of memories to present moment - momentary present actions can depict my mental state. The present is the only moment we have. The past has passed on, and the future is nothing but a mystery; a mire fantasy that lies within the coming roads.
Those memories, the ones that have faded are symbolic, are hurtful, are real, are disappointing, are parts of myself that I want to forget, but at the same time am struggling to hold on too. For What ? What reason do I have to hold onto his hurtful memories that symbolize pain, hurt, violence, aggression, ignorance, shame, obsession, submission, betrayal......forgiveness. Forgiveness....I always kept forgiving. It's part of my nature. I forgive everyone...everyone but myself. It is hard to forgive ourselves and to accept what we have done. We sometimes define our selves by our actions, but actions...actions are...an Organized activity to accomplish an objective. Objective? Objective? Do our actions define who we are or do we define our actions?
Are actions, choices the definitive of us -the individual or are there influences or circumstances that alter our decisions or choices which create our actions?
The choice for me to want to remember these now faded memories - is it altered by the subconscious mind for me not to remember them because of the state of self - because of my lack of forgiveness to myself or has my mind moved on to a place that desires peace- the path of the heart.
These are questions that will never be answered, and that is OK. We never really have the answer to anything, we think we do...but we don't . All you have is this breath. The memories from the past are here they are alive, but it is up to you to determine how much life you are willing to give them.
So do our actions determine who we are, or do we determine our actions?
Our experience was powerful, I will never forget it - but what I remember is beginning to fade- maybe this comes with forgiveness. Because I will always remember your face, I see it everyday, what a beautiful face it is - his smile is just like yours, his eyes exact- this comes with forgiveness- do I know for sure- No- but at this moment - this breath-this is how I feel and I am gonna hold onto this ...because right now is all I have.