oh so very close
Close to the day I have always dreamed
Close to a day that shows the reality
So many physical sensations I feel in this very moment, butterflies in my stomach, restlessness in my body, cravings of sugar, I am excited, nervous, sad...many emotions. This past year has been a huge roller coaster ride between my dancing, friendships, career...my life. I have lost some friends, loved ones...people that I truly have loved, that I have spent a lot of time with, celebrated monumental events in there life with them and due to a difference in being, of thinking they are no longer in my life. It is sad, they have been my dance partners, my friends, my laughter, my escape and now none of them are here, none of them will be with me on my special day.
When I am sad in my life, it is always due to a physical loss of a person in my life. So sadness resonates with me, it has for quite some time, I smile because I am happy in other areas of my life but the sadness still exists. It is like there is a shadow that follows me. It's a part of me, but at a distance. It's a distant part of me.This sadness, this distance, has created a space inside me; a whole to be filled.
I tell myself it's no big deal, but it is because it hurts. The emptiness is real, I feel it. As many beautiful wonderful things happen, I still carry you sadness.
But it's time to let you go. Let you go into the world, to move, to shape to shift to something new; a new shape, new form-become love.
There has been a terrible loss in my best friends life, a Friend I have known since I was seven, who always loved me for me, supported everything I have ever did. A true love. Our friendship is so beautiful and pure, I now have her back in my life, but she has lost her dad. An amazing man, that words cannot do any justice to describe his generosity, love, dedication to his family and all of the people he loves.
This has brought sadness to her life and mine, a hole in her heart and as her friend I will be there to fill even a tiny little part of it because I love her very much, she is my soul mate, my love.
She has helped me rid me of my sadness as I will help her to cope with hers.
"We are Gold Dust in our hands...."
Tori Amos
